Gems from the D.S. suggestion box

When people ask me why I am leaving the Cabinet so soon, I hand them an article I clipped from the paper. It reported a shortage of referees for school athletic programs. The main reason given for officials dropping out was "poor sportsmanship from coaches, spectators and/or players." One ex-referee said, "The attitudes in society where people are always blaming someone else for their problems are out of control. Officials, if they see enough of this, are just saying, 'Hey, I've got other things to do.'"

At least no one threw pop bottles at me, or punched me.

Before I move on, I thought I should empty the Suggestion Box we keep in our office waiting area. Along with a hand-full of Campbell Soup labels and a non-winning lottery ticket, there were some interesting ideas:

Why don't you people just send all the ineffective pastors to dysfunctional congregations? Wouldn't that solve two problems at once?
Figure out a way to clone the good pastors, since there are never enough to go around.
Keep all meetings to one hour. We have term limits for leaders. Why not set time limits for when they get together?
Pray that all the malcontents would hear God's call to enter the ministry. The fellow that complains about his pastor goes into the ministry and is appointed to one of our troubled churches. Isn't that what happened to clergy-killer Paul at Corinth? They attacked Paul's leadership. They didn't want him to tell them what to do. They deserved each other!
I miss a lot of things in church today (organs, pulpits, choirs, hymnals), but I think what we really need to bring back is shuffleboard. We could take out our hostility by knocking those little pucks as hard as we want.
I don't think there was as much conflict in the church I attended as a child. Must have been the shuffleboard!
We need to get more people to visit our Church. Is it okay if we give away preacher bobble-head dolls to the first 10 worshipers every Sunday?
Don't you think serving grape jelly on toast and calling it communion is taking this seeker-friendly stuff too far? I eat breakfast before I come to church and so can those young people who are taking over our congregation!
Our preacher said that one of the church's tasks is to make "isms into wasms." He's preached against terrorism, agism, racism, and sexism. What about my rheumatism?
All those praise songs we're forced to sing every Sunday are getting to me! I never know the music, but I pay attention to the words. If it's supposed to be so contemporary, why do we keep singing about kings, thrones, Mighty Lord, and majesty? Shouldn't we call God our CEO?
Are preachers studying theology in seminary, or just technology?

I hope the next guy can take care of all that before he realizes he has other things to do.

NOTE: The Rev. Bill Schwein, after having served as Indianapolis East Dist. superintendent for the past year, will next be serving as senior pastor at Sunrise at Geist UMC, Indianapolis.

Last updated on 01/14/2004

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