How do you say 'good bye'?

Dear Susan and Ed:

How do you say good bye? Well, obviously, you just say it. But when you lose someone you really love, how do you say good bye?

I went to the funeral of a good friend recently and was stuck for how I should act. People were crying, laughing, talking about other things, ignoring the reason we were there. There seemed to be as many ways to say good bye as there were people.

But I am stuck. I loved this person very much. Now she is gone, and there is so much I wish I had said. But now, it's too late. What should I do?

Signed,

Wish I'd said more.

Dear Wish:

It's as old as the ages. We human beings need to make some sense of endings. When someone dies, or moves away, or disappears out of our lives, we need to say good bye. It's not easy. And, our culture gives us all kinds of bad advice: forget about it; get busy; keep a stiff upper lip; think about something else.

Most of these ways of dealing with an ending are avoidance: trying to stay away from deep feelings. Trying to act as if this person, this relationship really didn't mean much. Trying to act "brave" and "strong".

Well, there are many ways to say good bye. They all begin with acknowledging the depth of the loss. There is a hole in your life. No one and no thing can fill that place. And you feel sad, lost, alone, scared, angry, relieved, giddy ... a lot of feelings. They all are OK, because the first thing to do is feel what you feel. Then, you'll know what to do next.

We had a friend who died recently. He knew he was dying. So we talked about it. How it felt to him, and to us. How unfair it seemed. How we would miss one another. We talked openly about everything in our relationship. We spent time together. We savored every moment. We laughed, cried, yelled, prayed, took Communion together, gave each other blessings. We had a blessed time together before he died.

Then, we went through the ceremonies devised for our grieving. We stood by his body and wept. We sought and gave support with other family and friends. We took part in the funeral, where formal good byes were said. We listened as others told stories, reminisced, sang, read poetry, or just cried.

Then we followed him to the grave. We gave him up to God, and said good bye. Now, we still are remembering him, and saying still good bye.

So say good bye how ever you need to, for as long as you need. Do it alone and with others. Each must do his own grief, and we all share in it together.

The last line of the hymn, "God of the Sparrow." says,

"God of the ages

God near at hand

God of the loving heart

How do your children say Joy

How do your children say Home?"

Keep saying good bye until you are finished.

Sincerely,

Ed and Susan Alley

Last updated on 01/14/2004

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